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Tyrannies

This word, tyranny, has been bubbling up in my thoughts lately.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that my single New Year’s resolution for 2010 is to “have more fun in the midst” of the things I’m doing. In other words, to remember to play, to enjoy, to not take it all too seriously, because it is so easy to get caught up in the pattern of living life as a series of tasks, duties, obligations, “to dos”. This is part of the being over doing practice. Although a lot of people think of me as a playful, silly type, I’ve always carried a super-serious undercurrent that sometimes, well, pulls me under.

In pursuit of my resolution, I made “havingfun” part of the main passwords I use on a daily basis. So every time I type the password, I’m invited to stop and check: Am I having fun in this? Or am I in hyper-focused, “Sue” (the serious, taskmaster personality) mode? This growing awareness has changed, loosened, my approach in the classroom and I have to say, I’ve been having a lot more fun with my students and really feeling absorbed in our conversations. It also helps me play more with my academic writing, and that creates creative openings. It makes the “duties” of my day feel less tyrannical.

This, of course, has raised my awareness of the “tyrannies” I allow or create or at least experience in my life. What do I mean by tyranny? Websters describes it as “oppressive power” of some kind, and we can think of the political iterations of authoritarianism, autocracy, etc. But what I have in mind are activities/relationships/patterns that come to feel obligatory, entrapping, tediously repetitive, and in some way not really optional, not really chosen. Of course, these include things that most of us “have” to do all the time: commuting, laundry, housecleaning, meetings, cleaning up after or taking care of others, paying bills–you know, “the drill.”

It’s when I’m feeling obligated toward such things, when my life feels propelled only or mainly by these things, that I get depressed. Occasionally I just flatline, and it feels like all the life drains out of me. But here’s the big irony: In order to reach goals I set for myself, I set up all kinds of mechanisms that are, in effect, little tyrannies.

If you want to write a book (or even an article), you generally have to break it down to small tasks and routines. If you want to lose weight, you change your behaviors, meal by meal, workout by workout, showing up for each minor and psychological step on a path to transformation. If you want to meditate, you practice, every day, or however many times a day. You show up, whether you “feel like” it or not.

What we are, in effect, doing is setting up a structure that facilitates an end goal. We’re building a little container, if you will, which can also function as a little cage. And, sure, there is always a choice in terms of following through, but a practice is, after all, a way of learning discipline; of “doing the work” or “showing up” regardless of mood or inclination in that particular moment. In a way, you stop allowing yourself an easy “opt out.”

I need these things. If I don’t, for example, try to carve two hours before noon Monday through Friday to spend time with my book, it’s just way too easy to blow it off, because other things always feel more pressing or interesting. And because it’s hard to show up; it raises every nasty fear and doubt in the book. So I have to commit to it beforehand, to give myself that structure. And since I’ve been committed to this “practice” of showing up to my work, I’ve gotten a lot done, even though some days it’s agony.

But what about the days that this practice just adds to my sense of a tyranny-driven life?

At my hot yoga studio they’ve been doing a “30-day challenge” this month. The challenge is to show up every day to yoga, to see how it changes your life. I decided to accept the challenge–not with the goal of coming every day, because that’s simply not possible in my schedule right now, but with the aim of seeing how often I can find ways to show up, and what that feels like. So far I’ve been showing up 4-5 days a week, which is pretty intense, though largely gratifying. The thing is, though: I don’t want yoga, this practice that is really helping me on many levels, to become another tyranny, and especially not an externally imposed one. So if I really don’t feel like going, or if getting there is going to add another 1/2 hour of intense stress in my life to make it happen, I’m not going to do it. If yoga generally attracts a lot of goal-driven achiever and monkish types, Bikram is the evangelical version of this. The teachers are basically fanatical about the discipline, and they spout a fair amount of Bikram-jargon in the process. It is changing my life, but I also have to tune some of that preachiness out when I do it. I recoil from all practices that feel like dogma.

I think this instinct to resist more tyranny is a healthy one. On the other hand, I’m aware that it may be a cop out, or at least the wrong framework for thinking about practices like yoga or writing. If I want to learn real discipline, real practice, I think I have to learn what it’s like to push through my biggest resistances, my most intense moments of absolutely not wanting to do it. I can’t give myself an “out” simply because I can reasonably justify doing so in a given moment. But the thing is, in order to make it not feel tyrannical in these resistance moments, I have to keep an eye on why I’ve made the commitment; I have to return to what it’s about.

Yoga right now is about learning a real practice, and showing up to take care of my spirit and body in a totally committed way. Writing right now is about finishing a project I’ve had in my life for many years and thereby being able to move forward, toward my next horizon. Maybe if I can keep these things in mind I can transform the short-term interpretation of them as tyrannies. And maybe I can interpret the other “tyrannies” in my life as little acts of gratitude.

Being Over Doing

I’ve heard talk in the New Thought world about “being” over “doing,” and it tends, like a horn in traffic, to drift in one ear and out the other. What’s the difference, I’ve wondered. If you’re doing, aren’t you also being, and vice versa?

Yesterday morning, though, I had a ball of anxiety banging around in my gut, and so I took a few minutes to tune into it in meditation. And I realized that I was anxious on a Monday morning because Monday through Friday tends to be so task-oriented, so doing-oriented that I feel like the proverbial hamster on the wheel. Coming off of a sweet reunion with Katie on Sunday night, after she returned from a cruise, and feeling loved and held and calm, the energy of Monday felt harsh, loveless.

So out of meditation came the notion (or the reminder, because, again, I’ve heard it before) to try to go through my day more focused on the being than on the doing. Maybe that would feel different, better.

And it did. I sat down to read through (and grade) a half dozen student papers, and reframed my thought process around it. It didn’t have to be about “having to grade”; I could just be present with each person who had taken time to write what was, in fact, a very personal assignment. I could open my heart to each student’s efforts, and be present for their thoughts–a voluntary effort. From that perspective, the task felt easy, even a privilege.

I focused on being in my office, being in my skin, as I reviewed the reading for class. I reminded myself to just be in the car on the commute, rather than racing to get there. And then, in class, I felt acutely present for each moment, whether I was trying to explain Jung’s Undiscovered Self (of all pieces I could be teaching right now), or listening for students’ thoughts and questions. I felt keyed in.

By the time I got to yoga it felt like the day had flown by, and in yoga I had better concentration perhaps than I’d ever had. My mantra was “healing,” so with every breath, every posture, I tried to focus healing energy on that part of my body. I felt like a tuned instrument rather than a flailing, striving, working apparatus. And in savasana I briefly felt my presence in the universe.

Instead of zoning out on TV last night, I started Milan Kundera’s Immortality. Every word, every sentence felt clear to me.

And even if I still wrestled with an annoyingly fertile monkey mind when I lay down to sleep, I got a taste, during the day, of the difference between being and doing, and eventually that translated into falling asleep. (Perhaps as a result, when the smoke alarm battery woke me at 3 a.m. and I had to get up, find the ladder, change the battery, I didn’t feel the rage and frustration I might have in the past. Or at least I was able to breathe through it.)

I’m going to try to keep practicing it this week, though it’s so easy to forget, as I still have a “to do” list rather than a “to be” list, and real things I need to check off. But the attempt at reorientation made a big difference, opening up space, and calm.

The Good Life

Ok, I’m not gonna apologize for being bloggone for too long. Had my writing head up in other stuff and couldn’t bear adding to the guilt I already wrangle constantly about “not doing enough.” Silent periods are part of the cycle of the diarist, I suppose. The good news is that I’ve been pretty darn productive on other pressing fronts for the last six weeks, so that’ll have to do for now.

At any rate, this morning I’m restless and thinking about The Good Life. The thoughts aren’t particularly formulated, yet, but go something like this:

Some days (nights, usually) I feel sad about not having babies. I know I’d be a really good mom. And I always thought I’d bear at least one child, with curly hair. Not being a mom is a bit of a melancholy surprise in my life.

Other days I feel completely clear that it’s not meant to happen this lifetime, and that’s totally okay. I’m meant for other things, and part of my journey has been about freeing my own internal child after a too-adult childhood. Also: I’m not sure I want it enough anyway, or have patience enough to spend the rest of my life on the rollercoaster of parenting. My twenties and thirties were stressful enough, and I’m quite liking my forties so far. If I’d wanted it enough, I think it would’ve happened.

So with parenting largely off the horizon (though you never know, the way the Universe works), I muse about all the stuff I’m doing and want to do. And how lucky I am to be able to thoroughly enjoy experiences that a lot of my parenting friends don’t get to right now (and probably don’t miss). Like going on big gay cruises around the world. And enjoying an unbelievably delicious eggwhite cocktail with Andria & Terry for a Wednesday night happy hour at one of my favorite restaurants in town:

I love the luxury of exploring new eateries, unexplored places, a lazy brunch on a Saturday morning with Katie. I love this new yoga-lined life, even when it’s painful. I love having a home of my own that I get to rearrange however I want, that’s not strewn with toys and other people’s chaos. (At the same time, I look forward to finally living under the same roof with all the members of my own human and animal family. But that day needs to come in its own right time.) Reading the New York Times on Sundays, in the bath. I love being able to pack up on short notice and take off somewhere–or at least knowing I could if I wanted to. Being intellectually stimulated just about every day of my life. Getting to know young people, teaching and mentoring them, and learning from them, seeing the world through their eyes. Belonging to a spiritual community in whose welcoming arms I can resuscitate my soul whenever I want. Having a basement in which I can draw, paint, sew, drill, create, meditate, sing karaoke with friends, do sit-ups, or just loll around, doing nothing.

Does having these things make me an old maid? I think not.

And:

I want to hike the Inca trail. I want to spend months on a Greek island, on sabbatical, swimming in the sea every day and letting my hair grow into crazy silver ringlets in the sun. I want to teach a class in Buenos Aires. I want to honeymoon in Rome, or Tahiti, or Thailand. I want to become a spiritual teacher and a life coach. I want to write a book of poetry, a novel, a memoir, and two books of political ethnography. I want to be on Rachel Maddow’s show. (Better yet, I want to befriend her.) I want to ride horses, galloping. I want to swim in a quarry so clear I can drink the water I’m treading. I want to help save the planet, with my partner by my side. I want to be part of the revolution. I want to treasure beautiful objects, and learn non-attachment. I want to experience meditating for days. I want to read enough Karl Jung that I can see into his spirit.

You get the point. I have so much. I love so much. I am so grateful for this astounding Good Life. And there is still so much to do and dream.

Ok, that’s enough caffeine for now.

B(r)ody

As most of you know, Brody is the main dog in my life.

Not exactly my dog; I can’t claim that, since Katie picked him out at the pound (we now look back amazed at our naivete), and she’s put in 95% of the hard work involved in converting him from a fear-based-aggressor-alpha-beast into a much calmer, more love-based sweetheart. 14 months he’s been in our lives, pretty much turning everything upside down in the process, like–well, the only thing we’ve come up with is like an autistic toddler delivered anonymously to your doorstep.

This summer Katie came within inches of sending him to “prison”–well, actually a prisoner-run dog training program somewhere in Montana. But then, as if he’d heard us, something shifted. He quit freaking out. (Also, the neighbor whose fence Brody jumped to violently attack her German Shepherd, up and moved without a word. Can’t imagine why.)  Katie bravely started introducing him to doggy day care one day a week and slowly, gradually, and with surprisingly little drama, he turned a corner. Now he runs happily with “the pack” at day care, he can handle a couple night sleepover with two dozen other mutts, and  I’ve (mostly) stopped calling him “The Wedge.”

Anyway, so I was in my Bikram yoga class yesterday and, as will happen when you’re lying on your back in savasana between poses, I made a connection:

Brody contains the word body.

Hmm.

And sometimes my body acts a lot like Brody.

And sometimes Brody acts kind of like my body.

Ornery. Rebellious.

Dumb.

Stubborn.

And super needy.

Brody has to learn to sit quietly, wait, pay attention to get what he wants. It’s a bitch; you’d be amazed how many of us have trouble staying still for only two minutes in the last savasana, the final rest. People can’t handle it, they have to get up, roll up their mat, run off to the next thing. Two minutes is too much!

Me, I can be still for the full two, and this makes me briefly aware of my superiority–until I realize that my mind hasn’t settled for even 10 seconds. My body sits still, but my mind is Brody in the morning: “Hey! Hello, get up! It’s time to do stuff! What’s that? Did you hear that? Squirrel!! Why are you lying there? Mommmmm!”

The instructor puts us in triangle pose, for a full minute. My body, focused, obeys mostly, except for my madly trembling bent leg. My Brody, though, whines and pleads for release from the torture chamber.

My body reaches, once again, for standing boat pose, watching my foot come up over my head in the mirror in front of me. I’m there, holding steady, 40 seconds, only 20 to go–but my Brody barrels into the room and knocks me over.

My body is trying to stay present. My Brody wants to eat/play/trot around nibbling people on the ass.

My Brody is racing around the room in circles. My body works to maintain stillness, breathing all the way through the full cycle of tree stand. My Brody, too, lifts his leg–and pees on the tree.

You get the point.

It’d be so great if I didn’t have to bring the dog to yoga. But The Beast insists on coming.

I’ve needed to spend down the last of a bit of grant money before the end of the year, so I took a quick trip to Baltimore this weekend, continuing my research on Christians involved in multiethnic church building. Although this trip makes three consecutive weekends out of town—over which my cats, house, yard, and psyche are beginning to feel the strain—the Aquarius in me looked forward to one of my periodic adventure weekends in a fairly unfamiliar city.

I don’t know if it’s my inner concubine, who lives to be coddled, but I covet the luxury of hotels–a bed always freshly made, little bottles of treats, windows that look out on a new environment. There’s something freeing about it for me. What I also find freeing about professional trips is that, not traveling (usually) with anyone I know, I’m at liberty to converse to my heart’s content with strangers I encounter along the way. Like Dimitri, the white-haired Russian with glacier-blue eyes who taxied me from the airport. The speakers of his tidy mini-van delivered calming jazz from a local public radio program, weaving a thread of beauty into the in-between moments of my passage. I could sense his musician’s taste, so asked him if he himself played. His face brightened, and, opening his glove compartment, he dug up a 19-year-old cassette tape and slipped it in the player. Out meandered the most tender, melancholy tones of the soprano saxophone he played for years in Russia (along with tenor sax and clarinet), before he had a triple-bypass on his heart and had to quit sax. I listened to him relay in his lovely thick accent what music meant to him, neither of us caring about the Friday rush hour traffic. Before I knew it we were landed at the Tremont Plaza Hotel, both of us richer for the exchange.

The multiethnic church conference was on Saturday, but I arrived early enough Friday evening to be able to drop off my stuff and take myself out for a date. I strolled several blocks into the Inner Harbor area, highly touristed but who cared, and found my way to La Tasca, a Spanish tapas restaurant sitting directly across from a ship that appeared to be straight out of the 16th century, bobbing regally in the dark water. There I met Reynaldo, my waiter. He was, of all things, Turkish-Salvadorian (which turns out to be a phenotypically handsome combination). His physician grandfather immigrated to El Salvador from Turkey, after having been contracted to train some local doctors in his specialty. I sipped a velvety red Rioja, and enjoyed three of the tapas I most remember from my year in Spain, spinach croquetas, tortilla Española, and, delicious Spanish olives, before the buttery tilapia arrived. In between I chatted with Reynaldo and the even more gorgeous Salvadorian bus boy, and eavesdropped on the Jewish, Asian, and Caucasian American families eating nearby.

After returning from dinner, I heard the strains of jazz for the second time in a day, now in the hotel itself. I went up to the lounge and stumbled onto what is, apparently, a weekly gathering of local musicians taking turns playing or singing with the band. Have I mentioned that Baltimore is a very black, very jazz-oriented city? Which meant I could drink in this surprise of quality and totally unpretentious music-making for $5, just fifteen floors below my room. I heard a brilliant, big-boned Soprano sing God Bless the Child, a white man blast a sweet harmonica, and a smooth-voiced older man deliver the blues, with a feisty guitar-base-drum trio holding up the foundation. Then I finished off my Kahlua and headed to bed.

In the morning I caught a ride with a driver from the hotel’s “taxi” service to Faith Community Fellowship (FCF). The antique, gray stone church sat in the heart of a neighborhood with some blown-out sections, but just a couple blocks away from million dollar estates in Baltimore City. (I soon heard the narrative of the white, pastoring couple’s harrowing 30-year odyssey to build this church in the ghetto.) En route to the church, the driver, Philip, an ebony-skinned Kenyan, and I compared observations about how quickly the landscape of the city changed from block to block even in the space of a few short miles. He noted that we were definitely in the ‘hood, but not nearly as deep as we could get; that there were neighborhoods in Baltimore where, even as a black man and especially as an African, he felt nothing close to safe with “those crazy men” wandering the streets. “Kenya can be bad,” he told me, “but America is far more violent, far more dangerous.” On the ride home (he offered to pick me up too, a generous gesture), Philip and I had an even more interesting conversation about his perception of the deep differences between African immigrants in the U.S. and their African American counterparts on matters of hard work, industry, and taking care of one’s grandparents. We sat in his SUV for twenty minutes after we’d arrived back at the hotel, absorbed in discussion.

The conference itself is another story I’ll write about in another context. Suffice it to say, I became aware of just how much research I have, in fact, done over the last two years–even if it never feels like quite enough, even if I’m always haunted by the worry that the pile of data should somehow be larger, broader, more perfect. I was reminded how much I do, indeed, know about my topic at this point, and how many interesting people I’ve met, how many tensions and possibilities are now easily recognizable to me in the work they do, and how much I still have to learn. I had moments (which, happily, have been increasing over the last year) of seeing myself writing my book, of sensing that it will make a contribution, to the conversations I’m a part of in academia but also, maybe, to the people I’ve met crossing all these new frontiers in their communities. And the music was flat-out, big sound churchtastic.

Saturday evening: a ridiculous, eventually abandoned attempt at navigating Bikram poses in a not hot hotel gym, followed by even funnier jumping jack and sit up sets in my room. Whatever; at least I tried. Then another stroll toward the Inner Harbor, this time to poke around Baltimore’s Little Italy, which I’d heard about the night before. It turns out there are dozens of restaurants lining the narrow cobblestone streets of this charming triangle of the city. I was looking for house-made gnocchi (my favorite) in a place that wouldn’t feel too awkward for solo dining. Passed lots of spots that looked warm and inviting, but somehow found myself pulled into an older looking joint called Da Mimmo, which induced passers by with photos of celebrities—Sly Stallone, Liza Minelli, David Bowie (seriously?!)—posted near the entry, captured enjoying their apparently world-famous fare.

Oh. My. God: A divinely inspired choice, no doubt. The restaurant was spit in half, the bar on one side, the humming dining room on the other. Both were too dimly lit to make out the carpet, which was probably a good thing, but, man, when I saw the cushioned, red velvet bar stools, gold star ornaments dangling from threads in the ceiling, and thousands of other celebrity glossies lining one wall, I knew I’d entered the land of serious, old school cheese. I ordered a vodka soda (which turned out to cost $11.50, for Absolute!) from the petite blonde bartender and tried to take it all in—the framed marital portraits of the long-time owners in matching white suits, the plaster statuettes and silk roses, the glass cordials altar (!) behind the bar.

Amazingly, I just found this shot of the place on their website:

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It took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the dark, at which point I noticed that the torch songs playing in the background were, in fact, not piped in but rather being performed live by a male and female duo in their sixties, so subdued that at first I didn’t see them standing just a few feet over my left shoulder. The woman, now singing (I’m not lying) “Girl from Ipanema,” was about as tired, un-Brazilian and, frankly, blanched as a person could get after performing such gigs for over 40 years, and her partner (husband?) looked like anybody’s paunchy old uncle in gooney black plastic glasses and a tight poly-blend shirt. He was standing at a baby grand, but had placed his electronic keyboard somehow atop the piano keyboard, and would switch off between quite deft piano playing and hilarious keyboard numbers overlaid with canned background beats (Mambo! Samba! Eighties Lite!). The whole combo of her aging slinky with his dorky hustle was somehow most badass.

According to the bartender, crowd size at Da Mimmo is unpredictable, and though it was a Saturday night and the “band” has been anchored there for more than 11 years, I ended up the lone audience member, tucked (trapped?) at the bar. But I gave them as much love as I could, in between texting descriptions of the scene to Tim, a young black pastor I’d befriended at the conference who, like me, was hoteling in Baltimore before heading home. I probably should’ve invited him to join me but how could I have known it’d end up being so choice? Besides, trying to paint a text and video clip picture to my increasingly alarmed friend (he about died when I sent him 30 seconds of their “Georgia on my Mind”) was maybe more fun. Before I left they sang a slew of Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, and Kris Kristofferson treats just for the gal visiting from Denver. I will not soon forget Uncle Gooney’s kitsch rendition of “Sunday Morning Coming Down”—well worth the otherwise outrageous price of dinner. (Thank goodness for underused per diems.)

Sunday morning did, in fact, come down. Tim picked me up and took me to visit Bridgeway Community Church, in Columbia, Maryland, a phenomenally multiracial church I’d heard and read about but didn’t think I’d get a chance to witness. We had a great time, and I again fell in love with the singing voice of their worship leader, a tall, spirit-filled dynamo named Nikki Lerner. Nevermind the evangelicals; get down with the spirit that throbs in their midst, I’ve learned.

I had another taxi pick me up at Bridgeway and take me back to Baltimore Washington International. The driver’s name was—wait for it—Prince (first name) Darko (last), no joke, and he hailed from Ghana. “Are you a teacher?” Prince Darko asked me right off the bat. “I am. Why would you ask?” I wondered. And in his soft accent, “Oh, you have the featchahs of a teachah.” I have no idea what that means, but it sounded like a compliment, so I took it. We talked about what I do. He told me about a report he just wrote in college (he’s been in the U.S. 20 years with most of his family, but hopes to become a Certified Public Accountant and return to help Ghana) comparing Kwame Nkrumah, a mid-twentieth century liberationist leader and first African Prime Minister of Ghana, with Nelson Mandela. Apparently it knocked his English professor over—which I can easily imagine, given Prince Darko’s obviously deep intelligence. (I asked him if he was an A student. “Of course,” he replied. “I love to leahn. I love to think!”) In five minutes I learned more about Ghana, from an elegant, educated taxi driver, than I’d heard in however many years of education I’ve had in this country. I gave him my card and told him to email me his paper, thanked him for the ride. “It was a pleasyah to speak with you,” he said.

Why did I just spend two hours writing this up instead of culling through my email and prepping the next thing? Because this is the reason to get out of my routine, my rut, and travel, even to just another city in my own country, where, being nudged out of my tasky, short-focused daily existence, I get to connect with people from two, three, five different parts of the world in the space of one short weekend. I live in a country full of difference, thank God, full of talent and awkwardness and striving for a good life. A country full of immigrants! People cooking and serving me food, taking me places, supporting me in ways I might never notice—all of whom have their own stories, their own complex life experiences from which I, in my moments of openness, stand to learn. Are they not angels? Is there not the sign of the divine in all of it? Are not the veils continually lifted from my own eyes, the veils that let me sometimes fall into the illusion that I am separate, or different, or somehow better? I am so appreciative of such reminders, lucky to live in this global crossroads.

Orcas Island

Katie and I spent a long, indulgent weekend in the San Juan Islands this weekend. We went out for the wedding of a college friend of Katie’s, so we’ve now chalked up a record two lesbian weddings in one year. (And last weekend we went to another wedding of some dear straight friends, so it’s been wedding central on our social calendar.)

It was a destination wedding of sorts, that required a fair amount of logistical orchestration–a plane, a rental car, a ferry, another drive just to get to the YMCA Camp Orkila on Orcas Island–but it was well worth it for what the scenery did for my soul. As much as I adore Colorado, sometimes I really miss the ocean, and in the San Juans, you have it all: dripping, ancient forested islands right up against the lapping Pacific shoreline. After the wedding, we spent one whole day by ourselves at a cabin retreat, where we rose at dawn and rowed a canoe over quiet emerald waters in the company of eagles, cormorants, and a curious sea otter.  We also visited a look out from the top of Orcas, which, given miraculously clear skies, revealed a 360 degree view of the San Juans, the Cascades and the Canadian ranges. Pretty much heaven, if you ask me.

Maybe the pictures can give you a sense. These don’t include all the camp festivities (archery, our night in the cabin with 8 other people, square dancing, etc.), those will go up on Facebook if you want to see them. But hopefully these can give you the feeling of the weekend.

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I’ve been drafting this post in my head for the last several days, so I might as well try to capture it “on paper.” It’s an official snow day, so that carves me a little extra time.

It’s been a crazy busy quarter, the way fall quarter always is. A whirlwind of fast-moving classes, evening extracurricular activities that I feel (or am) obligated to attend, trying not to lose the momentum on my research and writing, and generally busting butt to keep it all together. Unbelievably, we’re already in Week 7 of 10. In the background is this new reality of Rheumatoid Arthritis, this mystery disorder that medical science doesn’t understand, which crept up on me when I wasn’t looking, wandered around the joint(s), and decided to set up camp, mostly but not exclusively in my left wrist. It’s a nasty character, let me tell you, and the scariest thing is that most of the info out there points to it potentially getting much worse, but who knows when or if.

It’s like a scruffy, unassuming regular in the bar, who no one knows is a master vampire.

I’ve made a conscious effort to learn as much as I can about the “disease,” talk to people who live with it, and do my best to make empowered, informed, and proactive decisions in the larger context of a medical system that is anything but empowering. I’ve sifted through a frankly overwhelming array of websites, support forums, medical journal articles, alternative healing resources, and a book about the less conventional theory that R.A. is caused by an infection that can be treated with antibiotics and diet/lifestyle changes. At present, I’m experimenting with the latter approach, which means I’m on 100 mg/day of an antibiotic called Minocin, and have drastically reduced dairy, sugar, processed foods, non-organic meats, caffeine, and alcohol. (Can’t hurt anyway, right?) I’ve also begun a rigorous Bikram (hot) yoga practice, started taking a variety of dietary supplements, and paid a lot more careful attention to how stress impacts my life. In short, I’m experiencing something of a paradigm shift as a result of R.A. I’m not quite at “grateful,” but I do think it’s worth denoting some of the lessons. For instance:

The words “chronic,” “degenerative,” “disabling,” and “incurable,” are extremely unhelpful. It is a real exercise in discipline to consistently come across them and not freak the f*ck out. I notice that a lot of people, and a fair number of professionals, seem attached to these words, though the words also get paired with “treatable.” That’s a bit more encouraging, except that it in turn is paired with “chemotherapy” and “biologics” and “indefinite,” and other scary words. I have searched well into the 10th page of Google searches and found precious few stories of individuals “overcoming” or “curing” R.A. I must say that I hold onto these stories for dear life. Anyway, the challenge is batting the ugly words out of my consciousness, so as not to be paralyzed by them.

I am grateful to have R.A. over the alternatives–like M.S., Lupus, joint cancer, fibromyalgia, and other very frightening stuff that can have similar signs and symptoms. Compared to those, R.A. seems manageable. Related to this,

R.A. increases my compassion for my own and others’ pain. I’ve never been much for pain–which is to say, I’ve never felt as attached to my physical pain as others I’ve known, nor has it been a way for me to secure attention. (Emotional pain, I have a more complex relationship to, and I’m aware that that may, in fact, be linked with the R.A.) Of course, this relative freedom from pain-identity is partly because I’ve been lucky enough to have lived a mostly pain-free existence for 40 years–thank my incredibly lucky stars. But since R.A., I’ve been living with pain–gnawing, regular, always-there, wakes-me-up-in-the-morning pain. It increasingly hurts when I write at my keyboard, which is frightening because that’s about 99% of how I earn my living and feel my own creative presence in the world.

It takes some getting used to. At first it made me cry, especially in the mornings. But I learn that I can, in fact, live with pain–at least so far. I’m kind of getting to know it, abiding its presence while managing it as best as I can. I feel freest from it when I’m doing Bikram yoga, even though some asanas make me acutely aware of it. I also learn to release it, and to let my blood and body flush it through, let it go, while also trying to honor its signals. I become aware of how hard we all work to avoid pain, and how much additional negative stuff is generated through that avoidance. Now I try to breathe through pain, to move a little closer to rather than away from it, and when I do that, it somehow calms, has less power.

Through R.A. I realize that my pain is the tippy top of a gigantic iceberg relative to what other people live with every day. And each day my respect grows for the ability of so many human beings to endure pain gracefully. There is a woman in my building, whose name I shamefully don’t know, a professor with some kind of muscular disability, who looks to be in considerable daily pain. She moves extremely slowly, with the help of crutches, and her face reveals years of effort. But she always smiles and says something warm to me when we pass. How does she do this? How does she not give up?

I am allowed my experience, but I have comparatively so little to complain about. I don’t just know this rationally; I feel this as a result of R.A. People suffer hunger, homelessness, emotional neglect, disfiguring disease, chronic depression, endless war, intimate violence, massive disability, exile, death of children, loneliness. R.A., in the context of all that I have, is nothing. I have love, support, health care, 99% of my physical body still very much intact. I have all my faculties, education, a satisfying career, children in my life, sweet, understanding friends and partner and family. I have everything in the world, and even if R.A. gets worse, it’s not going to take those things away from me. What I feel, instead of unlucky, is fortunate beyond the bounds. Sometimes I get cranky and forget. But mostly, R.A. reminds me.

R.A. teaches me to listen inward. There is so much information out there about what I should do, what I should change, how I should behave, who I should listen to. But I somehow know that the only real answer is to listen inward. And to be able to do that, to access that quietest inner voice, even that faintest, whispering body-voice, I really do have to take control of the way I am living. I can’t hear the voice over the crescendo of stress about email and appointments. I muffle it if I am running myself ragged. I lose it if I am lying in bed at night, worrying over everything. But I can hear it in each second of concentrated, sweat-dripping attention in yoga, as I look at myself in that big mirrored wall and remind myself, as often as I can, that I am strong, beautiful, and able to move into each challenging posture. After 90 solid minutes of showing up in each moment to the practice, for me and no one else, but with compassion beyond me, I can hear my body in the silence. I can feel where it is out of whack, and I can attend to bringing it back to center. In those moments, it feels obvious that the more I can live this way, the more change is indeed possible from the inside out.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t give the R.A. right back to the bestower if I could. I’m saying it’s a teacher, and I’m learning.

Here’s a preview of my latest Huffington Post rant, which should go up later today:

As the re-ascendance of Democrats in the executive and legislative branches gains something like momentum, the American right has been circling the wagons, trying to generate an ideologically coherent response. But with two unpopular wars, a trail of tears left by the previous Republican administration, and no easy class target to blame in the wake of corporate sins against humanity, an elegant political frame turns out to be more than elusive. Such a confused atmosphere provides a perfect opening through which far right populists and other extremists can sneak onto microphoned podiums (provided by Fox News), with their Obamanazi posters, Confederate flags, and Limbaugh playbook, and perform the appearance of a social movement. “Bark, bark, bark! Death panels! Socialism!” Et cetera.

With every new grotesque display of toxic populism, the American left looks on in an even more grotesquely amused contempt. These flannel-shirted, truck stop cap-wearing, angry white people are ducks in a barrel: we revel in every opportunity to pick ‘em off. As a self-identified lefty, I suggest we take a deep breath and ratchet the hubris back a notch. The first clue to understanding a monster is to look at what disavowed part of ourselves we let it carry for us.

The American right has lots of bugaboos, sure: racial and sexual minorities; secular humanists; liberals; Europeans and socialists (what’s the difference, right?). But the modern left has the right as its permanent Creature from the Black Lagoon. Even more conveniently, the left has the right’s history of racism, the bloodstain on its nightshirt, onto which we can cathect all our hostilities in one easy swing. “Those sickos,” we like to shout. “They’ve got Klan robes in their closets, they blocked the way to civil rights—they’re all nasty Nazis [fascists, pedophiles, etc.] deep down!” Subtext: “We’re so much better than them.”

This sentiment showed up in its classic form in Michelle Goldberg’s Alternet piece yesterday, and it went the one step further that the left is really fond of taking: conflating the Christian right with the racist far right and thereby dismissing as disingenuous every effort Christians have made in the last fifteen years to address racism in their history. Subtext: “See, those guys are fakers!”

I’m not a Christian myself (though I admit to being a big admirer of the man they worship), but I’ve been tracking evangelical racial change efforts and their relationship with American political culture for what seems like most of my adult life. (Someday my book on this will come out, if it doesn’t slay me first.) So I know that it’s important to point out, as Goldberg does, that some Christians (and not just conservatives) were certainly in bed with white supremacists in America’s long history, and racism has always been powerful enough to infiltrate even the most Agape-endorsing religions. I know that black radical evangelicals like Harlem’s Tom Skinner were calling white Christians to face the racist music for years before the latter took up the cross of racial reconciliation and “healing of the past” in forums like Bill McCartney’s Promise Keepers.

But I have also sat in countless churches, conferences, and living rooms and watched white Christians and their counterparts of color dig deep into their faith and deeper into their consciences to find a way to reach across the gulf that racism and resultant segregation has created in American Christian communities. It’s often awkward, it’s never perfect, and it sometimes involves faith-based rituals like footwashing that make outsiders squeamish. But it’s real, it’s emotionally genuine, and it’s one of the few paths to social change in matters of race in socially conservative communities that is, in fact, ideologically coherent, if you actually believe the Bible. Compared to the “diversity forums” and “difference” encounters I’ve participated in through academic and political settings, which, after all these years, still often manage to degenerate into the Oppression Olympics, evangelical racial change efforts are refreshingly vulnerable. I have recently turned my attention to multiracial church-building efforts, tracking one downtown Denver church as a case study over the last year, and it’s been amazing to watch so many conservative white Christians acknowledge all that they don’t know about race, and try to learn. I’d love to see my secular leftie allies exert that kind of effort in facing their own ghouls.

I’ve also seen the presumably racially correct secular world up close, through my position in academia, and witnessed how deeply and subtly racism still penetrates it. In our arts and social sciences division at DU of over 70 professors, I can count the number of tenure-track faculty of color on one hand. In the university’s service and maintenance position ranks, the demographics are reversed. Racism is not just a product of socioeconomic and systemic inequalities; it’s also a product of individual and institutional choices. Or look at the racial demographics of executive directors of left-wing nonprofits: 95% white. University chancellors? Law firm partners? Newspaper editors? Yup, you got it. But it’s the right that’s racist. I’m all for calling racism when it’s happening, but as Jesus himself put it: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

And here’s the other thing we don’t like to deal with on the left: social conservatism in this country, and the homo-hating that goes with it, is deeply multiracial. If you think African Americans’ role in swinging Prop 8 was overstated, check out the depth of black religiosity and conservatism in this Pew report. Religion runs deep in American communities of color, and homophobia is usually part of that faith- and culture-based package. It is a serious political mistake to lump all the hate and intolerance in this country onto the right; it keeps us from having our own perhaps far more difficult conversations.

Freud and Jung had it right when they observed that in creating monsters we both disavow our own darknesses and project ourselves the hero. In so doing, we repress our ugliness and create a distorted other. We’d do well to remember that this process is exactly how the right produced its Ted Haggards and Mark Sanfords.

Do we really need any more hollow heroes slaying demons? Let’s stop sweeping every conservative subculture into the dustbin of far-right racism in order to feel righteous.

Yesterday I was fortunate to attend a “Soul and Role” session on my campus. These groups, organized by our wonderful campus Chaplain, offer an opportunity for faculty and staff to come together periodically and have a conversation about our relative journeys to connect our professional lives to our “whole” selves. The framework is inspired by Parker Palmer’s work. We always start with a poem and then go around and share what lines, images, phrases stood out for us individually and why.

Just about every line of Chuang Tzu’s 12th Century poem below resonated for me about the challenge of showing up to any creative activity, especially the big ones. Here’s to hoping it resonates for all my fellow writers, artists, workers, and creators (which we all are) reading. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

***

THE WOODCARVER

Khing, the master carver, made a bell stand
Of precious wood. When it was finished,
All who saw it were astounded. They said it must be
The work of spirits.
The Prince of Lu said to the master carver:
“What is your secret?”

Khing replied: “I am only a workman:
I have no secret. There is only this:
When I began to think about the work you commanded
I guarded my spirit, did not expend it
On trifles, that were not to the point.
I fasted in order to set
My heart at rest.
After three days fasting,
I had forgotten gain and success.
After five days
I had forgotten praise or criticism.
After seven days
I had forgotten my body
With all its limbs.

“By this time all thought of your Highness
And of the court had faded away.
All that might distract me from the work
Had vanished.
I was collected in the single thought
Of the bell stand.

“Then I went to the forest
To see the trees in their own natural state.
When the right tree appeared before my eyes,
The bell stand also appeared in it, clearly, beyond doubt.
All I had to do was to put forth my hand
and begin.

“If I had not met this particular tree
There would have been
No bell stand at all.

“What happened?
My own collected thought
Encountered the hidden potential in the wood;
From this live encounter came the work
Which you ascribe to the spirits.”

- Chuang Tzu
from The Way of Chuang Tzu by Thomas Merton

Ruh Roh…

Ok, my new attempt at blogging for the Huffington Post Colorado Edition is finally up. I started with a tame topic, the greening of Denver. I’m building a list of ideas for other, more politics-oriented posts, but finding myself intimidated by the fact that so much of what I have the impulse to write about might easily get me in trouble professionally for in some way being controversial. Maybe I overestimate myself. Anyway, the goal is to start slow, get some momentum and find a comfortable voice on that site, then see where the venue might take me down the road…

Thanks for listening in occasionally.

N

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